All is Calm? All is Bright?

The holidays can be a funny time to work in medicine.  I must be honest with you; my unit is a complete disaster right now.  Too many kids, not enough beds.  Horribly complex pathophysiology, no clear pathway forward.  And though it technically doesn’t make a difference, all of this happening during “the happiest time of the year” twists the knife for everybody involved who isn’t in a medically induced coma.  

I was on my fourth admission before 10:00 AM this morning when “Silent Night” started going through my head out of nowhere.  I got snarky real quick, and I may have even laugh-snorted at the thought.  Who would blame me?  I’d heard the snark around me all morning: “‘Tis the season,” and “Winter is coming,” or even just frustrated sighs and exasperated groans when another patient issue came to light.  I don’t have data to prove it, but I’m certain commiseration is one of the quickest forms of bonding.  When we’re in something awful, who doesn’t feel at least a little better when the person next to us conveys, “We’re in this together”?  

For whatever reason, my better angels swooped in to save me from the dark descent into, “Screw this; everything sucks.”  Right after my brain sang, “All is calm, all is bright,” another part of my brain said, “Well, it’s up to me to be ‘the calm.’”  I realized I could be calm no matter what was happening around me, and being snarky does not have calm energy.  Complaining is not calm.  Saying anything that is “Woe is me” adjacent is not calm.

Did I tsk, tsk at those engaging in the annoyance scrum?  I did not.  Did I tell people, “Y’know, you could be ‘the calm’ if you just tried a bit harder”?  I absolutely did not.  Because “holier than thou” also does not have calm energy.  Besides, we can never change the actions of others (try as we might); the only actions I have control over are my own.  But consciously deciding to “be the calm” instead of passively slipping into the snark made me calm.  Shocking, right?  I tuned out the cacophony of the unit around me while I listened to the ED signing out my new patient.  I had genuine compassion for my patient’s family, telling each of them, “These viruses are everywhere. You did everything right, and your baby got sick and ended up here anyway.” 

To see this analogy out to its end, did being “the calm” also lead to me being “the bright”?  I don’t know.  But I definitely know I didn’t become “the dark.”