Beyond the Teeter-Totter: Finding Harmony Between Career and Family
The end of the year calendar year is a family-heavy time, given all of the holidays smashed into those last two months. If you have family living in a different part of the country or kids old enough to get breaks from school (or even if you don’t have either, now that I think about it), there’s just a lot of organizing to ensure the holidays get “done.” During the times I’ve worked on Christmas (the major holiday my family celebrates), I’ve made time to travel to celebrate Christmas with them on another non-December-25th day. For most of us, family is the reason we celebrate holidays in the first place.
This focus on family during the holidays leads me to think I “owe” my career time once the calendar turns over to January 1st. That’s probably augmented by the motivation many of us have at the new year to be “better” at work in some way (while being stronger/thinner/fitter, making more time for family, getting eight hours of sleep per day, and finally straightening out a budget…). But here’s the truth: balancing career and family isn’t a zero-sum game. Time spent doing one thing does not have to mean the other thing automatically “loses.” Choosing to spend time on our careers versus time with our families creates a situation where one of the two always loses: ironically, we always end up feeling like we’re losing no matter which of those two “wins.”
Now, it’s time for full transparency: I am not a physician who thinks what we do should be considered a job with distinct, reproducible hours and a set amount of output daily. I may be letting my burgeoning Old Codger out, but I believe that to be a physician is to be part of a profession that fights for the greater good, even if it means that I’m put at a disadvantage every once in a while. My group does 24-hour shifts over holidays to give each other the maximum amount of time off during these late fall/early winter holidays, and those 24-hour shifts can be absolutely brutal. (They were this year: the critically ill children of Nashville developed increasingly new and complicated ways to keep us on our toes, bless their little septic hearts.) So what’s the move? How do we create the feeling that there’s enough time and effort for everything, even when one aspect of our lives seems to be beckoning us to an extreme?
Develop the mantra “There’s plenty to go around.” Yes, there are 24 hours in a day. And yes, curveballs get thrown into your schedule that put a dent in your best-laid plans. But the quickest way to waste time and energy is by letting your brain spiral into overwhelm by thinking, “There’s not enough time, there’s not enough staff, there’s not enough non-screen-time activities to keep the kids occupied.” Or even worse, “I’m not enough.” From now on, when you catch your brain telling you some version of “There’s not enough” (or “I’m not enough”), start practicing thinking, “It’s possible that there’s plenty to go around.” Or, “It’s possible I’m enough and can figure this out.” You’ll be amazed by how this little tweak in your thinking gets your brainstorming and problem-solving engines going.
Set boundaries. One of our extraordinary chaplains, Fred Brown, MDiv, BCC, taught me the phrase, “Boundaries are love.” When we set boundaries that determine what we are going to do in a situation, it conveys love for ourselves and love for those in our lives. Try setting the boundary that you wrap up your notes within an hour of your last patient being seen before you go home for the day. Honoring that boundary opens up your brain to experiment with making it a reality; you might not nail it the first time you try it, but if you keep at it, you’ll get there. That boundary conveys love for yourself (“pajama time” charting has been recognized as something that makes physicians feel burnt out) and love for your family in that when you’re home, you’re fully present. (Need a thought to get you to the action of setting a boundary around your charting? Try, “The only way to be a physician who doesn’t chart at home is to be a physician who doesn’t chart at home.”)
Realize that everything will “win,” just not simultaneously. That stretch of days I was working 24-hour shifts over the holidays? I did not go to the gym on the days in between. The time over holidays when I was traveling and spending time with family? The policy and procedure I wanted to be done by the end of the calendar year just needed to be pushed off until after January 1st. Those are two examples of deliberate choices I made to believe that there is plenty to go around (I will work those shifts, get to the gym, spend time with family, and finish that policy and procedure) while acknowledging that there are only 24 hours in a day. When I actively choose what is getting my attention while actively recognizing what will then not be getting my attention, I have a feeling of control that stops me from feeling like I’m passively short-changing something.
So, if you’re motivated to go full-throttle at work because it’s a brand new year and the kids are finally back at school, fantastic! Off you go, save lives, make a difference, and bang out those policies and procedures. If you’re pushing yourself to go all out at work because you feel guilty for "ignoring” it over the holidays, please just give yourself a break. There’s no teeter-totter to balance, no “100%” to dole out equally like pieces of a pie. We’ve all just had, hopefully, some fantastic time with family. Let that be enough and stand on its own. Don’t make it something you punish yourself for.