Boundaries Aren’t What You Think They Are

“You need to set boundaries” is a common refrain to burned-out physicians.  I heard it so much that it became a thought running through my mind whenever I opened my email inbox. Whenever I got a request to give a lecture, join a workgroup at my hospital, or put my name in for a professional organization’s subcommittee, “I need to set boundaries.”  It even started to run through my mind whenever my text messages would ping (or, Heaven forbid, my cell phone rang when I was at home for the evening).  Common parlance is that we have around 60,000 thoughts a day, most unconscious (otherwise, we would not be able to function).  So if “I need to set boundaries” was a conscious thought that often, I have to wonder how often it was an unconscious thought, rolling around in the recesses of my brain, taking up energy and leading to feelings of helplessness that were boiling just below the surface.  

When I started “setting boundaries,” they were nebulous and very other-focused.  I’d get a mass email about participating in a scholarly activity survey and think, “Doesn’t she know how busy I am?” while deleting it.  I’d tell my family, “Hey, if it’s not an emergency, just text instead of calling.”  When somebody approached me about giving a lecture, I’d think, “He’s violating my boundary by asking for my time!” Then I’d acquiesce pretty quickly because I was unclear about what “boundary” I had around my time.  And because I have people-pleasing tendencies, but those are another topic for another time 😉

First, nebulous boundaries are not good boundaries.  To have a boundary, you must know precisely when it’s being violated.  “I don’t answer email at night” is pretty nebulous, but “I do not answer email after 5 pm” is clear: if you’re answering an email at 5:01 pm, you’re violating your own boundary.  Next, setting other-focused boundaries is a losing undertaking because we can never control what another person does.  Anybody who’s ever parented a toddler will attest to that (or, as in my childless self, witnessed a poor soul doing their absolute best to control a toddler but to no avail).  We can make requests of people but cannot actually control them.  I can ask my family not to talk about politics on holidays, and whether they honor that request is up to them.  So how does that become a boundary?  By describing what you will do if the boundary is crossed: “I’m trying to avoid political arguments, so if the conversation turns to politics at Thanksgiving, I’m just going to head home.”  That part can be tricky because what you say you’ll do when the boundary is crossed must be something you’re willing to do.  This leads to the last part of good boundaries: they’re things you decide and can be intermittently violated with your permission when violating them serves you.  “I don’t answer emails after 5 pm” becomes, “I usually don’t answer emails after 5 pm, but this abstract submission in my inbox is due at midnight, and it just needs more work.”  Instead of feeling put upon and victimized by answering emails after 5 pm, I must acknowledge that I’m choosing to violate my email boundary.  I’ve decided that, in this instance, answering emails after 5 pm gets me something that serves me more than honoring my email boundary does.  Suppose you’re unwilling to leave Thanksgiving when talk turns red versus blue. In that case, you must acknowledge that time with your politically-engaged family is more important than not being exposed to political tension over your turkey and stuffing.  There’s agency there, which is what we need when feeling victimized.  

Boundaries may or may not have to be communicated. Suppose you don’t tell your family you’ll leave the holiday dinner when the talk turns to an upcoming election.  You’ll invite quite the conversation if you abruptly stand up from the table and start packing your things when Uncle So And So says, “Well, Congress is…”.  Setting boundaries with yourself, what you will and will not eat, drink, watch, scroll, and spend your time on, don’t need to be communicated because you’re only being accountable to yourself.  Two of my favorite current boundaries are 1) I don’t answer email after 5 pm (inspiration is everywhere 😁) and 2) I put my phone in “Do Not Disturb” when I’m home and when I’m doing deep work (it’s on right this moment as I’m writing this piece).

If this is a new concept of boundaries for you, start easy and set one or two boundaries for yourself.  Once you gain evidence that you can respect the boundaries you’ve made for yourself, it feels more possible to set boundaries that involve others.  Thanksgiving is only 224 days away 😉