The Dalai Lama, My Grandma, and Letting Go of Worry
As it does, life has gotten life-y this week. My lovely grandma hasn’t been doing well, and we’ve agreed it’s time for her to transition to hospice. When I was telling her that I was worried her body was shutting down and that she was going to die in the following days to months, I started to cry. “Well,” she replied, “that makes sense. I’m old! We all die!” She then threatened to hit me with her hairbrush if I didn’t stop crying. She even picked it up and shook it at me for full effect. It kind of worked, and I did avoid a beating.
Since that conversation and the subsequent move to hospice, I’ve been worrying a lot. My brain defaults to worrying about everything; on some level, all our brains do. Worrying is evolutionarily preserved. People who worried about getting eaten by saber-toothed tigers lived to procreate. Our current modern world drives worry with the election, climate change, the economy, wars, the state of our medical system, homelessness, the opiate crisis…the list goes on and on.
Recently, I heard a quote that stopped me in my tracks, and it came from the Dalai Lama:
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.*
Realistically, I knew that worrying had no benefit, but my brain still defaulted to worrying about everything. But knowing something and seeing it laid out entirely rationally are two different things. The Dalai Lama has done the latter for me: worrying is irrational.
The brain likes to think that worrying is necessary. It likes to know what’s coming, so when it doesn’t, it worries so that we have a plan for whatever comes our way. Realistically, though, only one of the things we worried about (if that!) actually happens. Imagine the wasted brain energy coming up with all of those other things! And, if I’m honest, the one “right” something that I happened to worry about is rarely so complicated that I couldn’t have figured it out at the moment instead of worrying about it for days or however long it’s taken to occur.
When re-programing a well-worn neural pathway in our brains (like worrying) it helps me to have something that snaps me out of it instead of having to “think” my way out of it. “Fixable or not fixable?” has become a bit of a mantra when I catch myself worrying. My grandma dying? Not fixable. Making sure she has good care and is comfortable? Fixable. Not knowing how long her dying process will take? Not fixable. Making sure I tell her she’s loved every opportunity I get until the end? Fixable.
Interestingly, when I find something “not fixable,” my brain lets it go instead of ruminating about it. I feel calm, and I feel like I have more space in my mind. Sometimes, that lasts for a bit; sometimes, it only lasts a few minutes. That’s where my mindfulness practice comes in: I can notice I’m worrying again, offer myself some compassion, and then try to watch my worrying without connecting to it personally. If that doesn’t guide my worrying to ease up, I just begin again by asking, “Fixable or not fixable?” On it goes until I get focused on whatever I’m working on and the worrying naturally disappears.
Luckily, there’s a deep toolbox to use when decreasing our worrying:
Exercise: Physical activity can help release tension and improve mood. Seriously, even a five-minute walk can help.
Spending time in nature: Being in nature has been shown to have a calming effect on the mind and body. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Even the outdoor pathway from one of your hospital’s buildings to another counts.
Connecting with loved ones: Talking to friends and family can provide support and perspective. This one has been huge for me as I work through these first few days of my grandma’s new path.
Journaling: Getting your thoughts out of your head and onto paper or a blank word-processing page can stop rumination and help you gain clarity.
Creative outlets: Engaging in creative activities such as painting, music, or writing can help distract yourself from worries and promote relaxation.
Seeking professional help: Of course, if worrying is interfering with your daily life, engage with professional help to see if your worrying has become anxiety that will benefit from treatment.
There are worse people to emulate than the Dalai Lama. When you catch yourself worrying, simply ask, “Fixable or not fixable?” Our brains can act rationally. Who knew?
*Special thanks to Dan Harris for getting this quote into my consciousness