The Tyranny of Self-Reliance: Unpacking the Perils of People-Pleasing

I've always had this stubborn streak, a narrative that "it's just easier if I do it myself." It's not about being a perfectionist – I've embraced 'B- work,' and the mantra 'done is better than perfect' has become a familiar refrain for my life outside the PICU. But there's a darker undercurrent, a fear of inconveniencing others with my perceived incompetence. It's a twisted form of people-pleasing, and it's not pretty.

The Scheduling Standoff

Let me paint a picture: I've been handling my group's schedule for years. Recently, a colleague noticed I'd scheduled myself for every weekend in an upcoming month. They suggested I shift one weekend to another colleague with more free time.

My response? I refused.

Why? Because it would have meant that colleague working two weekends in a row. In my warped logic, *that* was worse than me working every single weekend.

Let's dissect this. Not only did I reject the active help of one colleague, but I also passively refused the aid of another who'd likely be fine working two weekends if they knew the alternative was me burning out.

The People-Pleasing Paradox

I was people-pleasing the colleague who got to keep their weekend off. That's straightforward: people prefer weekends off. But how was I people-pleasing the friend who suggested my schedule was unsustainable?

I was gently rebuffing their help, undervaluing their effort, and perhaps even disrespecting their concern. I wanted them to see me as dedicated, generous, and tough – someone willing to take one for the team.

The problem? People-pleasing is impossible.

The Thought Model Breakdown

I've been exploring the Thought Model with some of our fellows:

* Circumstance

* Thought

* Feeling

* Action

* Result

For a reminder of how the Thought Model works, click here.

My Thought Model in this scenario was:

C: I don't accept my friend's help with my schedule.

T: "They'll see what a good colleague I am."

F: Proud

A: Take a punishing schedule, but feel I'm showing dedication to my group and being a good friend.

R: I take a schedule I'd never give anyone else, reinforcing a false sense of martyrdom.

People-pleasing fails because the only outcomes I control are my own. My actions become circumstances in others' Thought Models, leading to their own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

My friend's Thought Model might look like this:

C: Jessie takes a schedule where she’s working every weekend for a month.

T: "She's crazy for doing this to herself.

F: Pity? Frustration? Disengagement?

A: Stop trying to help Jessie with her schedule.

R: Get annoyed with Jessie, see her as stubborn and unwilling to listen.

The Futility of Control

The lesson is clear: people will draw their own conclusions, and we can't control that. Christina Aguilera's words ring true: "Other people's opinions of me are none of my business."

I can't influence how the synapses in others' brains fire. It's futile - physiology doesn't work that way.

A New Perspective

Viewing my actions through this lens is a wake-up call. My friend will keep checking on my schedule, and next time, I'll accept their help. It's not about being dedicated or tough; it's about recognizing my limitations and valuing the support of those around me.

Where could you accept help that’s being offered? What would you lose by taking it? What would you gain? How would life be different?